Sitting in the Fire – the Ground of Transformation

As the covid crisis unfolds and the world turns inward, slows down, shuts down, grieves, and reconnects, we are all thrown into the fire of looking at our own lives. Often it takes a crisis of some sort (personal, environmental, societal) to spur change. Particularly the type of change that is accompanied by transformation.

Rarely does one voluntarily do the deep work required for transformation when everything is going well. This is the gift of a crisis.

In my practice, I often refer to this as “sitting in the fire.” This is when one’s experience becomes so intense, it almost seems like you might not be able to handle it. But you can. You just stay. Sit. Breathe. Allow. And trust. You sit in the fire. You look at the experiences that arise with an open heart and mind. You let them arise without giving them power. You notice, breathe, let them influence your experience, possibly provide an insight, and then let them go.

I’ve found that sitting meditation is the context in which transformation and insight are most likely to occur. Often accompanied by tears, rage, sorrow, or another emotion, depending on your own patterns. When the body is still, the mind has a chance to still. This is also when our experiences, bodily patterns, and sensations will also arise.

Boundless patience is required, as this can take hours, days, months, or years. The amount of time cannot be controlled or predicted. I’ve found I can relax into this by sitting with the phrase: Being-time – as expressed by Dogen, an ancient Zen master in his fascicle Uji.

Another turning phrase that I have found helpful is: the ripening of time. Being patient. Letting time ripen and trusting in the process.

These emotions will also manifest physically in the body. This is the part to pay attention to, not your thought patterns.

Does your throat feel constricted? Is your chest tight? Do you feel blood pumping through your arms and into your hands? Does your head feel heavy? What do you notice? The practice is to notice and allow. Create a big container where these sensations can arise and fall.

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to sit in the fire. As the covid crisis continues to unfold, we will all face uncertainty. This uncertainty will manifest differently for everyone and we will be thrust into situations that seemed unimaginable only months ago.

During these unpredictable times, I’m finding comfort in the strength and resilience of the human race.

Rarely do we test our capacity and perceived limits; and often when we think we have reached our capacity, we find the strength to continue on. Usually through gentle leaps – slow, intentional, soft change. This is truly amazing! Do you have this experience? Please share in the comments below if you need support or to support our blossoming Gentle Leaps community.

On Motherhood

Speaking of pushing past our perceived limits, digging deep, and sitting in the fire. The beautiful experience of becoming a mother can also feel like sitting in the fire some days. Your limits are tested, capacity seemingly reached. Yet, day after day, you continue. You persevere. You find more energy. You continue to give selflessly to your small baby. Your heart grows and you feel love in a way you have never experienced. Becoming a mother is complex.

As a new mother, I am truly amazed each day at my own capacity. After 4 months of disrupted and sleepless nights, I am still functioning. After so many of my ideas, plans, and dreams did not manifest, I let go and adapted.

I’ve found it to be important to talk about these other aspects of motherhood in an open way. The beautiful (and often staged) photos on social media only depict some of the moments of motherhood. Often the carefully curated moments to depict a scene that is not really reality.

The reality: Babies cry. So do moms. Mom’s have spit up on their shirts most days. Figuring out how to help baby sleep is a never-ending game of trial and error for many. Fitting in a daily shower is a struggle. Cooking nutritious meals can often only be accomplished with help from a partner or friend. Ten minutes of self care each day can be a stretch.

The deep work of transitioning from maiden to mother must also unfold simultaneously to diaper changes and cluster feedings. Re-configuring your life as a mother. Allowing and accepting all of these changes which happened overnight. Mourning your single self. Allowing the unconditional love to flow and not be stifled by the sleep deprived haze that you are functioning in. Trusting yourself and baby, and not the internet or all the baby books. It’s a lot. A lot. Wow.

It’s supportive to say these things out loud. To your partner, a friend, a family member, a therapist. Someone. Sitting in the fire is something we must do alone. But this does not mean we are alone. Find your tribe and connect with other mothers. This can be through text, online support groups, mama groups, and social media. Finding your tribe is not as easy as it may seem either. Not all groups are the same – you must find one where you feel comfortable to be open and vulnerable, and where your values are respected and ideally shared.

I’m sharing this here because I’ve found as a new mom, many of these things are not spoken about. We share the sweet newborn pictures of baby sleeping, baby’s first smile, a family walk. Yet you rarely, if ever, see photos of meltdowns, mamas bouncing on yoga balls for hours with baby, or projectile vomit all over the rug.

Becoming a mother is a sacred ritual. One to be celebrated and acknowledged deeply by your bodymind. It’s a beautiful experience and also complex. I truly have never felt these sensations of love that I did when my son was born. It’s like my heart opened, expanded, and radiated into the rest of my body. I’m grateful to have had this experience in this lifetime.

I hope to open up a safe space on Gentle Leaps where mamas can also speak about the challenges faced when transitioning into motherhood and what the early months are like. It’s not easy. But you got this! We are strong, resilient, and have great capacity to sit in the fire! If this resonates with you, please drop a comment below. Gentle Leaps friends.